The great first date debate

Okay, it's not really much of a debate, but "discussion" didn't rhyme. Recently, some girlfriends and I got to talking about great first date ideas in Halifax. This is supremely easy in the summer, but a little tougher in the dead of winter. And let me stop any regular readers right there: I realize me talking about dating is like me talking about abdominal surgery; it's theoretical more than practical. I don't really do it, I'm pretty sure I'm underqualified for it, and the person on the receiving end might end up suing me.

Okay, I know many loving, committed relationships have started off over dinner and a movie. Except, it's just...uninspired. I don't think movies should be allowed on first dates. And you know I love movies. But why would you spend two hours NOT talking to the person you're hoping to get to know better? As for dinner, you won't find a more enthusiastic foodie than me, but you should tread carefully. Never go too fancy out of the gate. I think relaxed food means relaxed first date. Pizza and beer? Awesome. Burgers and fries? Awesome. Something with a reduction and way too much cutlery? Awesome in theory, but not first date awesome. First date awkward.

Go do something. I don't mean see a band or a play (see: not talking), but something a bit interactive, maybe a bit goofy. I think glow in the dark mini-golf is a fantastic choice. Like the name suggests, it's dark, which is always fun, since my inhibitions tend to lower right along with the wattage. You're doing something silly, so it takes the pressure off. It's hard to be nervous about the date when your teeth are glowing and you're aiming a tiny ball at a tiny hole while 80s hair band music plays. And you can get a little touchy-feely in the name of psyching out your opponent. Playing pool is great for this, too. I sort of suck at pool, but do have a tendency to make the occasional accidentally awesome shot despite a complete lack of planning and/or technical know-how. This is also an excellent opportunity to wear a slightly low-cut top. Are you stripes or solids? Who cares? Your boobs look great. Take the time to really line up your shots, ladies.

A T. rex named Sue. A bold choice for the post-adolescence set? Sure, for some. But it's a goddamn T. rex! Named Sue! She's world famous. She's the largest example of the baddest of the bad ass ever found. Have you seen "Jurassic Park"? That poor goat. And following Sue up with a trip to Maxwell's Plum to see if a beery connection to her can be made (she's from South Dakota - do they make beer in South Dakota?) is the sort of nonsense I'm all over. I know it would never happen, because I live in Halifax, not a romantic comedy, but if a guy ever suggested this as a first, or really any, date, I would likely be the first person ever kicked out of the Museum of Natural History for making out up against a 65 million year old dinosaur.

My final mid-winter suggestion is not for everyone. But those who like it will like it a lot! Go on the Keith's brewery tour. I admit this is fraught with pitfalls, but it's also chock-a-block with social lubricants. Sure, it's a bit hokey, what with the period costumes. Sidebar: I always want to talk to people in period costumes in a fake English accent, regardless of the period; I can't imagine this compulsion would be lessened in any way by the addition of beer. Anyway, you learn a little something about the love affair between ale and our fair city, the old brewery market is a terrific building, and there's a tavern at the end. There are also, however, serving wenches, so it might be a good time to redeploy that low-cut top I mentioned.

I know many women would prefer to be wined and dined on a first date, and that's great for some people. It's a perfectly acceptable first date. But it's not me. Give me a fossil and a Sam Adams over a wine list and linen napkins any day. And now that I think about it, there might be something to this whole dating / abdominal surgery analogy. I actually feel similarly towards both: you'll hopefully feel great afterwards, every one should scrub up beforehand, and it's always a good idea to drape the tummy before you start. Just don't sue me.

You sexy thing

What do women find sexy...about other women? Hold your Sapphic horses, kids, I'm not talking girl on girl. Well, not really. But we notice other women, and we want them to notice us. I certainly do. I've already waxed libidinal about what I find sexy in a man, but I probably notice sexiness in a woman even more. Is it a female comparison thing? Maybe a little. But it's more an appreciation, an acknowledgement, a "well done, you". Sort of a Ya-Ya sisterhood thing, but without the blood oaths and the crazy mother.

I've mentioned this before, but there's a difference between "hot" and "sexy" in my world. Hot is in your face, but it's surface. It's the cover of a book you haven't read. Sexy is several chapters in, and you don't know what's going to happen, but you're really enjoying turning the pages. Kim Kardashian is undeniably hot, but sexy? I don't know. Certainly not from the interviews I've seen. That breathy little girl voice, the heavy sex kitten make-up? It's all just so...expected. And it all smacks of self-consciousness to me. You know who is sexy to me? Annette Bening. Did I feel the same way 15 years ago? The revisionist historian in me likes to think I did. But she may also have been wearing a floral-print hippie dress over jeans, so she clearly can't be trusted.

My girlfriends and I are in agreement on this - one of the first things women notice about another woman is her confidence. Not her hair, or her body, or her shoes (well, sometimes her shoes), but the way a woman carries herself. Do you get a strong sense of who she is? Does she seem comfortable in her skin? That's sexy. We all have days when our self-confidence just says fuck it and taps out, so if we see another woman rockin' a bit of swagger, we always take notice. Because we all have days when we want what she's having.

Many of the things I find sexy in men I also find sexy in women. Except for my well-documented love of forearms. That is a delightfully and distinctly male thing for me. Sigh. But a woman who is curious about and engaged in the world? A woman with an appreciation for profanity and a slightly dirty laugh? A woman who can deliver a good dirty joke with élan? I want to sit by her at dinner. And then do shots with her. I'm kind of uneasy around grown women who never swear. It's just so reserved. It freaks me out. I have a theory - these are the same women who use terms like "down there". I'm still a bit unclear where they mean, exactly. Is it Nicaragua?

A little mystery, please. Whether it's your life story or your neckline, no one needs to know everything right out of the gate. Sexy never presents itself on a silver platter with an apple in its mouth. Or in its cleavage. So ladies, put your tits away and save the story about how you lost your virginity for another time, okay?

I love quirkily stylish women. On my best days, I hope I dip my toes into that category. And if a woman I consider stylish, particularly a complete stranger, compliments me on something I'm wearing, it gives me a little frisson of excitement and makes my day. Making someone's day is sexy. Because boys, we wear the nice bras for you, but we wear the funky jewellery for her.

Notice what's missing? Anything tangibly physical. Sorry, gentlemen, but finding other women sexy doesn't mean we want to sleep with them. I don't even want to sleep with most of the men I find sexy. It should be noted I said "most". Don't get me wrong; I love boobs. Happen to own a pretty decent pair myself. But when it comes to other women, that's not what intrigues me. Do I appreciate a woman with nice legs, or pretty eyes, or great skin? Of course, because those things are beautiful. But when it comes to my fellow members of the fairer sex, I'll take substance over surface any day. When it comes to forearms, however, it's a completely different story.

Play List

Recently, a friend of mine issued a challenge to me and a few friends. Come up with a list of ten songs you consider essential. Ten songs you couldn't live without. He stressed that we were to put our favourites, not what we thought others would necessarily like. He gave us about three days to submit our lists.

Hardest thing I've done in a long time. I agonized. I lost sleep. I'm still questioning some of my choices. I've spent more time rehashing the list than I have some of my relationships.

My list (not, it should be said, in order of preference):

1) The Whole of the Moon ( The Waterboys)  - reminds me of when I first moved to Halifax, even though it was first released before that. Not sure why; I think my friends and I were in a Waterboys phase at the time. I think the lyrics are beautiful. "Brigadoon" just doesn't get enough shout outs in pop songs.

2) Where the Streets Have No Name ( U2) - it was hard to pick one U2 song. But I love jangly guitars. I love Bono. And the awesome video just makes me smile.

3) I’ll Be ( Edwin McCain) - I think this is one of the best love songs ever. None of that silly hearts and flowers and romantic treacle. It could also be that he had long hair in the video; lord knows I had a rather lengthy phase when it came to long-haired men.

4) Don't You...( Simple Minds) - this was my graduating year’s prom song. And it’s in the Breakfast Club. Enough said.

5) Tiny Dancer ( Elton John - though the Ben Folds version is very good) - I want to be a seamstress for the band. I took a bit of heat for this one; I think it might seem clichéd to some. But I don't care. It's featured in one of my favourite scenes in "Almost Famous", one of my favourite movies. Singing along to this when Elton played it at his concert a while back was pure joy. Except perhaps for the people around me.

6) Moon on the Rain ( Fairground Attraction)  - was there ever a better lyric than “I’ve got your photograph/ the one that you signed/ tucked in my pocket all tattered by time"?  Terrific song from a criminally underappreciated U.K. band. Eddi Reader's was one of the best voices of the late 80s. Likely still is.

7) Every Breath You Take ( The Police)  - seeing Sting sing this live in concert was one of those moments I almost couldn't believe I was having.  I loved the Police dearly when I was a teenager. I was reasonably certain at the time that I would marry Stewart Copeland. Rolling Stone said he was the fifth greatest drummer of all time. Not in my books, baby.

8) When Doves Cry (Prince) – my Mom wouldn’t let me go see “Purple Rain”. She thought he was a pervert. I remember dancing to this song at the Kingston arena, probably grade nine. I still love him; my mother will now concede "he's kind of weird, but I like him". About time, Mom. I think she warmed up to him when she realized they were starting to share a similar fashion sense.

9) Sex on Fire ( Kings of Leon) – Caleb Followill has one of the best voices in rock, and it's at its sexiest on this song. That catch in his voice, the yearning? C'mon - when he sings "the head while I'm driving", if you don't want to be in a car with him right then, you're dead inside.

10) By Your Side ( Sade) - Such a sexy song.She has the most elegant and timeless voice. Just hearing her makes me want a glass of red wine. Or Scotch, which is weird, because I can't stand Scotch.

I can't say these are my ten absolute favourite songs ever, but they always make me happy, and they always make me sing along. There were songs I love that didn't quite make the list: "Wonderwall" by Oasis, "Just Like Heaven" by The Cure, "Spirit of '76" by The Alarm, "Need You Tonight" by INXS, "Don't Go" by the wonderful Hothouse Flowers. And I feel bad about your exclusion, Crowded House. I really wanted to up my hip quotient by throwing in some more recent stuff, but I had to go for longevity. So did my friends, apparently - there were songs by REM, and the Hip, and Public Enemy, and Pearl Jam, and classics by Neil Young and The Beatles. Luckily, or perhaps sadly, no one had "I Wanna Sex You Up" by Color Me Badd on their list. 

It was a great exercise, and a great walk through the jukebox in my head. And if you're standing next to me the next time one of these songs comes on, let me apologize to your eardrums in advance.