Cruel Summer

So I decided to take a break from writing, figuring I should try and actually live a life instead of just writing about one. So how'd that go? Well, I'm back to writing, aren't I?  My sabbatical was a lot of effort for few results. I feel like Tom Cruise's eHarmony profile.

An open letter to the (single) men of Halifax:

Snap the fuck out of it! What the hell is wrong with you?

I know so many women, anywhere from mid-20s to early 40s, who are attractive, smart, sexy and funny, with interesting jobs and active social lives who are, quite simply, fantastic. And not one of them has been on a date in eons. Why? My money is on apathy. It's like all the single men in this town decided to sit in their living rooms, in their underwear, expecting a woman to show up and offer them a blow job while they're watching TSN. Never going to happen, gentlemen. Okay, that was one time, and it was his birthday, and do you know how long it takes to bake and frost a damn cake? Forever; you have to let it cool first, and then there's the frosting, plus who can ever find enough candles? Geez. One time.

So what happened? Not so long ago, men were still making an effort. But the effort has gone AWOL. I know there are more single women than men in this town, so the numbers are on your side, but you still gotta try.  How do you do that? Be engaged in your life, for starters. You don't have a girlfriend? Boo hoo. Are you still getting out, and doing things, and generally having a life that someone else might want to be a part of? I don't think you are. Because I had a pretty social summer, going to restaurants and out for drinks and to festivals and sporting events and plenty of things where people gather, and I didn't see you there. I saw men, sure, mostly younger, prowling loudly, and hornily, in groups, like One Direction will when they're old enough to drink. But genuine, just out enjoying life with a few friends and hoping that maybe an awesome woman would cross their paths guys? Those were in very short supply. It's like single men have two settings: gropey or mopey. Hot? Not. And when you emerge, bleary-eyed and jonesing for chicken wings, from wherever you are, be it your drawn-curtained living room or your Smirnoff sponsored bro-tastic circle jerk, you'd better be prepared, because we're going to expect you to step up.

I know what you're thinking, guys. That's a generalization! Not all single men are like that. And that's true; of course there are single guys in this town who are making a real effort and are worthy of a terrific woman. Sure there are. And if you're one of them, I sincerely apologize and you should stop reading.

Still here? If you're lucky enough to find yourself in what the kids call a "friends with benefits" situation (and make no mistake, you are INCREDIBLY lucky if you've found a woman who will sleep with you without asking you to be her date for a family wedding) you need to come when called. We're all busy, we all have days where we just want pizza and our DVR. But ask yourself this: WWTYOYD - What Would 20 Year Old You  Do? When you were 20, if an attractive girl texted you and said "I've had two glasses of wine. Where are you?", would you have EVER considered not going? Hells no! Of course not! So chug a Red Bull, put some damn pants on, and get the hell over there! Don't waste time shaving (ed. note - Seriously. Don't shave. Stubble good).

One final note, and I'd have thought this lesson would've been learned way back when, say at one of those Sadie Hawkins dances in junior high, but it's perfectly fine for a woman to ask a man out. I've heard more than a few men say it would be fantastic if a woman did just that.  It's also perfectly fine for a man to say no. But if you're asked, and you say do yes, you damn well better go. That's just good manners. If you were drafted by the NHL, and a pretty good team picked you, would you say no, even if you weren't sure how it would all work out? Of course you wouldn't. Because it's the NH fucking L. Do you want to be the Eric Lindros of dating? Didn't think so. Besides, I've seen your slapshot - you'd have a way better chance of scoring on the date. So put the damn jersey on. Plus, if you don't go, you're kind of a jerk.

Okay, boys. I hope this letter finds you well. I really do want you to succeed. But summer is over. Time to get back in the game. We're all expecting big things from you this season. Don't make us regret waiting.