O My Goodness!

Elusive. Mysterious. Shy. Tempermental.

Barbra Streisand? No. The female orgasm. At least that's what tv shows, books, and countless magazines keep telling me. You know what? No, it's not. If you're not getting there pretty much every time you have sex, you're getting ripped off. Some women are having orgasms all the damn time. And if you can't say the same, it might be your fault.

Now, calm down, ladies, and hear me out. I've said this to boyfriends, and I'll say it to you: it's not his sole responsibility to make sure I get off; in fact, it's largely mine. Where did this idea come from that it's a man's j-o-b to make sure we have an orgasm? I blame the historical fiction genre. I'm looking at you, Philippa Gregory. Look, I'm assuming you know what works for you, so why shouldn't you be in charge? Sometimes you're fortunate enough to have a partner who just knows, but not every guy is intuitive. Even the guys who are aren't, not every single time. So if you don't speak up, or shift a bit to the left, or put his hand just over there, how can you blame a guy for not getting you there when you know the way? You can't. And you know he's not likely to ask for directions. Unless he's Kreskin, a guy cannot "just know". And if he is Kreskin, um, good for you. You wouldn't expect a guy to know how to put a barbeque together without some sort of instructions, would you?

This is where I point out that some identifying details may have been changed to protect, well, me, probably.

My girlfriends tell me I'm lucky. One of them once said  "A guy touches your boob and you get off". A definite exaggeration, but I'll cop to being lucky - it's never been an issue. I've been very grateful for it, I've paid attention, and before you waste any more time on those magazine articles - here's what I've learned:

I don't get all this position switching. Different strokes for different folks, but one thing is pretty universal: the vast majority (I'm going to say a non-scientific 98%) of women need a steady rhythm to get there (the others are likely faking it), and it's hard to be consistent when you're doing a Cirque du Soleil routine. Popular culture will tell you that you need to be a gymnast, and it seems like a lot of women think they have to switch it up multiple times to keep a guy happy. You don't.  I've seen rom coms where they change positions more times in a 90 second scene than I have in 15 years. Sure, being bendy is great, but unnecessary. If I want to assume that many positions in twenty minutes, I'll go to yoga. Pick a couple of positions. If you're an overachiever, maybe three. Stick with them. And by the way - missionary gets a bad rap. Missionary rules. More on that later.

Instead of being with a bunch of people once or twice, try being with one or two people a bunch of times. For me, a serial monogamist of some renown, there is nothing boring about the familiar. You know his body, he knows what works for you, and you're probably both more relaxed, and that's invaluable when it comes to coming. New people can be awesome too, but let's face it: that's probably more because of the thrill of it, the newness of it, or the cocktails of it. I also still believe in making out at least a few times before I sleep with someone. You can learn a lot from dry humping. Like don't wear brand new, never washed, dark denim on an ivory couch, among other things.

Oral oral oral. I'm always shocked when I read about women being uncomfortable with this. I almost can't comprehend that. Seriously. I covet shoes as much as the next girl, but ladies, show of hands - if someone told you that you could be orally pleasured 3 times a week but never buy shoes again, I bet most of you wouldn't even hesitate. You'd just arrange shoe swaps with your equally satisfied friends. Oh sure, you might try and swing some sort of deal where you'd get to buy one rockin' pair of booties if you gave it up for a while, but they'd have to be really awesome booties. I know all the arguments, the reasons behind why some women can't truly enjoy it, and no smart-ass comment from me can change someone's body image or make them more comfortable. But if you have a hard time reaching heaven during sex, oral sex can take you there AND make you find religion. Except for Scientology; I don't know how you find that, but I'm pretty sure the answer isn't in your pants. Plus, there isn't as much friction as with some other NC-17 stuff, and we all know what that means: the little guy in the boat is much less likely to pull his Sou'wester over his head and refuse to take your calls.

I know someone who used to be reluctant to let herself take it to the limit with oral, preferring to save the big finish for the main event. That's like competing in the regionals on "Glee" and not giving Rachel a solo because she's saving her voice for Nationals just in case. Plus, my friend (you don't know her) didn't want a man to feel like the Big O arrived too quickly. Why, I have no idea. Making a guy stop is a bit like going to Disneyworld, getting to the entrance to the Magic Kingdom, and then leaving because you've decided you don't want to have too much fun on Space Mountain. What if Space Mountain is closed for refurbishment next time? And why on earth would a man mind if you came too quickly? It makes him feel like a goddamn rock star. Plus, you know rock stars - there's usually the option for an encore.

If you're not getting what you need to get there (and you probably aren't, every time, not exactly), then ask for it. You don't have to bark orders like Lou Gossett, Jr., but if you like slower, or faster, or Barry White,  tell him. He won't mind. The vast majority of men (an unscientific 99%) find this a huge turn on; the others are either lying or have had a bad experience with Lou Gossett, Jr. I'm kind of bossy even standing up, but asking for what you want, for what you know is pretty much a sure thing, is a win win for everyone.

And finally, and most importantly - you have to learn what gets you off. You can't ask for "it" if you don't know what "it" is, exactly. Have a meet and greet with your clit. Get better acquainted, do a little scrapbooking, maybe buy it a margarita.  It only has one job; helping you climax. Make it earn its year-end bonus. You'll figure out what works, what doesn't, what tickles. And please, ladies - don't feel like touching yourself stops if another person is in the room. You understand I mean a partner, not your accountant, right? A "hands off" policy is for museums, not your own body. Unless you're in a museum. If you ask me (and I know you were going to), missionary + a little She-Bop (yeah, that song wasn't really about dancing) pretty much guarantees a good time will be had by all.  A guy will not mind one bit that you're taking matters into your own hands: it takes the pressure off him, he can set his own pace AND he gets a pretty great visual. Plus, unless you're a total asshole, he still gets all the credit for rocking your world. The next morning, over breakfast, you'll be remembering the great time you had, you won't be thinking "well, I helped things along". And I'm pretty sure he won't be thinking that, either. What he is thinking: "Man, I'm so glad she's not a Scientologist..."

I know it's easy for me, the come early come often girl, to spout half-assed theories about owning your orgasm. I actually hate that I just typed "owning your orgasm". And I know there are women for whom it just isn't physically possible, and that must be awful and frustrating. But I really believe an orgasm is one of life's basic pleasures (along with good coffee and warm oatmeal cookies) and having one with a partner is a fantastic experience. But you need to know what works for you, that you can let yourself go, that you can put your own pleasure above everything else. And I think that's hard for some women. But you know what - any man worth your time will get off on you getting off. Even Kreskin.