Five guys

No, pervs, not like that. One at a time, thank you very much. I'm talking about the five guys many women have dated, or will date. And Colin Farrell regrettably isn't one of them. You'll likely recognize a former paramour or three. And if you don't, just give it time. Because he's coming. You might want to put on your good underwear.

1) The rebounder: you'll probably meet him in a bar, with his buddies, trying to douse the fires of heartbreak with beer. He probably has a vague look of despair, he could be checking his phone incessantly, and he might  be doing shots with a group of college girls. He's forlorn, he's susceptible, and he's got disaster written all over him like an ill-fitting Ed Hardy shirt.  Naturally, you give him your number.

Here's the thing with the rebounder: it doesn't matter how great a girl you are. It doesn't matter if he swears he's over the break up. He is not. It will not last with him. But if you truly want a casual thing with someone who might burst into tears during sex, have at it. But DO NOT FALL FOR HIM. Soothe his wounds. Make him believe in girls again. And leave him better than when you found him, like a campsite, only with a nice ass. If you don't, you'll need a rebound guy to get over the rebounder, and do you remember from gym class how hard it is to get off a trampoline? Well, it'll be like that, only emotionally, and with penises.

2) The impossibly good looking one. Sigh. He often shows up in our 20s. He may be slightly younger. It's hard to catch a breath around him because every time you open your mouth, you're overcome by a desire to lick him. The first time he takes his shirt off, you'll probably praise Jesus.

If you manage to end up with one of the ones who "just doesn't know how good looking he is", let me stop you right there. Yes, he does. But it's still awesome, mostly. You do, however, need a couple things: a healthy sense of self-esteem, and an ability not to cut a bitch when she literally eye-fucks him in front of you.
There are times you'll be out, and you'll notice other women noticing him, and you'll think you're the cat's ass, because you're with him. There are other times you'll be out, and you'll notice other women noticing him, only you're having a fat/bad hair/PMS day, and you'll be convinced he's involved in some sort of community outreach program where he gives back by making out with the less genetically fortunate. He'll likely break your heart, and he may give you a complex, but he'll look awesome on your couch.

3) The Perfect, but... guy:  on paper, and according to your friends, he's perfect for you.  Perfect! But...something is missing. It's usually heat. Or excitement. Or any sense whatsoever that he'll surprise you. Ever. I don't believe in one perfect match for someone. I believe in timing, and luck, and chemistry, and taking a chance. Granted, I also used to believe in the Tooth Fairy and George Michael's heterosexuality, so I may not be the best judge on this one. 

4) The bad boy: I almost didn't include him because it's such a cliche, and because many of us have checked the bad boy off our dance card by the time we're old enough to buy beer. But bad is sort of a sliding scale. What I consider bad you might consider quirky. And what I considered bad at 23 versus what I consider bad now is pretty different. For some, bad is a motorcycle jacket and tattoos. For others, it's no discernible means of income and a reluctance to give you his phone number. Or his last name. My younger self liked the long of hair, short on integrity type. You might define bad as him not pressing his khakis. Who the fuck are you and why are you reading this?  Anyway, these days, I like my bad to largely be confined to not always eating enough leafy greens and occasionally paying the phone bill late. The tattoos can stay, though.

5) The Committment-phobe: I know, I know. We've all been there. But I'm not talking about your garden variety phobe, your not sure if he wants to get married and have kids just yet guy. That's normal. I’m talking about can’t make plans for Friday before Thursday night, and even then they’re tentative "just in case". Just in case what, jackass? You meet someone else? This guy can’t commit to anything beyond a blow job, and  even then he doesn’t have to decide right now, does he?  And don’t ask him if he likes it, because talking about his feelings makes him uneasy.

I know what you're thinking - there's way more than five! Some honourable mentions?

The Mama's boy: Everyone has their own personal limit. Mine is somewhere south of cutting up my date's meat for him.

The Basement slacker: Granted, he's pretty laid back, usually has a cool collection of ironically hip t-shirts, and always has good weed. So if Doritos and Call of Duty 4 get you hot, yay you!

 I Might be Gay guy: He will tell you if your ass looks fat in those pants, but he'll also have really good eye cream at his house if you end up staying over. Just to cuddle.

The Fixer-upper:  He's great, if only... I've heard about this guy a bunch, but I don't get it. I know some women like a good boyfriend-improvement project, but shouldn't you be attracted to someone because of who they are, not who you think they maybe could be, if only they changed a few little things? Not for me. Deal with who he is, or don't date him.  Besides, I've owned my house for three years and still haven't managed to paint the 50 square feet of my spare room, so renovating a guy seems unlikely. And really - would you want someone to think of you as a fixer-upper? Didn't think so.

And gentlemen, I know this isn't just limited to guys. I'm sure there's an ample list of girl-types out there,  and I'm betting Daddy's girls and Hot but Crazy make the cut. Just do me a favour - if Witty and Bitchy with Decent Boobs makes the top five, can someone let me know?