Faulkner weeps

Let me get this straight. So not only is Justin Bieber putting out his autobiography ("First Step 2 Forever: My Story"), but the Kardashian sisters are also releasing the spelling-challenged opus "Kardashian Konfidential".

A number of things trouble me. First of all, Biebs, only Prince can get away with using numbers as words. You are not Prince. And b) what exactly is left in the Kardashian family that's remotely "konfidential"? Between two reality shows, a sex tape, Kim's tit Tweets (google it) and serious oversharing in every celebrity magazine, I sadly know more about them than I do about members of my immediate family.

And not to be too elitist (which is me-speak for that's exactly what I'm about to be), but what the hell can those two books possibly have to say that is in any way relevant? Sure, if I want to hear about the first time a 16 year old millionaire saw a boobie, or know exactly what the trick is to boning a professional athlete, they'd be excellent source material. But let's assume I don't. Who in the hell is buying this crap?

Everyone, I bet. And that's the problem. Gone are the days when book deals were reserved for those who could actually, you know, write. Now, people like Lauren Conrad and Tori Spelling have chart-topping tomes. I have no hard data to back this up, but I am reasonably certain that neither Zadie Smith nor Geraldine Brooks have ever been involved in a televised cat fight. Dave Eggers, I'm not so sure.

I'm not saying you have to read fine literature all the time. I certainly don't. But would it kill people to pick up an actual novel? Or even a non-fiction book written by someone who's a) never had a show on MTV, or b) been a recipient of a Teen Choice award? This dumbing down of our culture doesn't seem to be going anywhere, and it makes me crazy. I don't want to flip to the New York Times best seller list a few months from now and see the top two spots occupied by a kid who may actually be younger than my stereo and a girl whose resume includes letting Moesha's little brother pee on her with a camera rolling. Given the option, I shall continue to prefer my authors of legal drinking age and un-urinated on. But keep that konfidential.