I've got a crush on who?

My first boyfriend was a lot older than me. Blonde hair, blue eyes, soft, almost feminine features. I was 8. He was in his 20s. His name was Shaun Cassidy, and the Hardy Boys rocked my world. When my parents got me his album "Born Late" for Christmas (he was a hyphenate before hyphenates were the standard), I swooned over the cover photo. And drove my parents crazy with the Do Ron Ron.

Then came Andy Gibb. Another pretty singer. Doomed. I don't like to talk about it. There were brief dalliances after that: Donny Osmond. Willie Aames from "Eight is Enough". The Six Million Dollar Man.

Then Rick Springfield entered my life. Another singer/actor. Even
then, I had a type. I faithfully watched Dr. Noah Drake on "General
Hospital" every afternoon. He was my idea of after school special. And
when he released "Working Class Dog", I kept wondering what Jesse's Girl had that I didn't. Well, okay, at that point, boobs.

1983. John Taylor. Now that, that was a love that lasted for years. I wanted to dye my bangs like him. Mom said no. I always felt a little bad for the girls who liked Nick Rhodes the best. It seemed rather pointless. I read Smash Hits, devouring every little morsel of info about JT. I can still remember his birthdate. I would tape Duran Duran videos off Much Music and watch them until the tape went all funny. To this day, I think I would probably throw up a little if I had the chance to meet him.

Why do we develop infatuations with celebrities? Is it because fame is so alluring, even to our 8 year-old selves? Or are the objects of our affections really that much more charming/good looking/fascinating? Really - if Colin Farrell worked at your local coffee shop, would he still be swoon material? Perhaps. Or would you just be miffed that the guy getting you your latte kept trying to look down your shirt? I can tell you, however, that if Taye Diggs was my dentist or worked at my bank, I'd be knocking my teeth out or losing my bank card just so I could go talk to him.

Even now, in my extremely late 30s (ahem), I still get celebrity crushes all the time. George Clooney is a Crush Emeritus. He's on my list. If you don't know what list I'm talking about, you clearly weren't a fan of Friends. Disturbingly, he's also on my Mom's list, or would be if she had a list. Someone call my therapist.

I also have temporary, intense, very of-the-moment crushes. Like Anderson Cooper. Several members of the World Cup champion Spanish soccer team. Scarlett Johansson. A few years back, it was the Today Show's Vatican analyst, Father Thomas someone. Yes, I had the decency to feel bad about that one. But in my defence, he's cute, smart, single, and lives in Italy.

My crushes, however, are not as unconditional, nor as pure, as they once were. Certain things will end a crush. Multiple arrests. Appearing on "Larry King". Being Larry King. I expect even my fake boyfriends to have standards. A while back, Jeffrey Dean Morgan (late of Grey's Anatomy) was tops in my books for a few months. Those eyes! That voice! Then, I saw a picture of him at a party, smoking. Deal breaker. I broke up with him. A girl has to draw the line somewhere. Now if I could just learn to apply those same exacting criteria to actual boyfriends, I might be getting somewhere.