Survey says...

"Get to know your friends!" We've all heard the gentle chime that heralds the arrival in our inbox of yet another quiz that promises to shed new light on old friends. It'll only take a few minutes, just copy and paste, inserting your own answers in place of theirs, etc. I rarely fill 'em out. I've always thought the best way to get to know your friends is to have a conversation, but maybe I'm old-fashioned. And how does knowing which of my friend's friends are the most/least likely to respond benefit me, anyway? But mostly, I don't fill them out because people lie. I lie. No quiz will help you get to know me; it'll help you get to know the idealized version of me that I want you to see. Everyone does this. Don't believe me? Read on and see if this sounds familiar.

Three things you're wearing right now: Seven jeans, diamond studs, cashmere socks. ( Walmart yoga pants, ring I bought for $5, Tinkerbell slippers)

Two things you did last night: went to a wine tasting, worked on my proposal for my first book. (Cleaned the litterbox, sang along to "Glee")

What are you listening to right now? Billie Holiday's smoky voice on "Lover Man". (Mario Lopez's smirky voice on "Extra")

What did you have for dinner last night? Medium rare steak, green beans with garlic and lemon zest, a full-bodied South African cabernet, lemon tart. (Questionable two-day old leftover pasta, glass of milk, two mini peanut butter cups I found in the cupboard that may have been there since last Christmas)

What is your favorite drink? Dirty martini, three olives. (Toss up between Diet Coke or an extra-frothy Caramel Macchiato)

What is the last movie you watched? The beautifully shot, Italian-subtitled, tragic love story "I am Love", starring Tilda Swinton. (The jerkily shot, not subtitled, action thriller "Unstoppable", starring Denzel Washington)

How do you vent anger? I go for a workout, or take a hot yoga class and focus on my breathing. (I swear profusely and eat anything I can find with carbs/ sugar/ chocolate. I have an emergency box of Betty Crocker Devil's Food mix in my cupboard at all times. Fuck off.)

Cherries or Blueberries? What does this even mean? Are my friends clamouring to know what anti-oxidants I'm getting enough of in my diet? Are these code words for sex things? Blueberries. (Actually, that answer is true)

When was the last time you cried? During the beautifully shot, Italian-subtitled, tragic love story "I am Love", starring Tilda Swinton. (I've teared up a lot lately, but I probably cried about three weeks ago. I wish it had been over Tilda Swinton. She'd at least have been worth the puffy eyes)

What did you wear to bed last night? Silky nightgown with spaghetti straps. (Old Lilith Fair t-shirt with a spaghetti stain, mismatched fluffy socks, and a cat)

Diamonds or pearls? Hmm what? Are we singing Prince songs now? Awesome. I love Prince. Okay. "Dream if u can a courtyard / An ocean of violets in bloom..."

See - fake quiz me is way cooler than real quiz me. Unless I'm lying about that. And just one question, friends - if you've put me down as one of the people least likely to respond, why on earth are you sending it to me in the first place?