Boobs, boys and cupcakes, oh my!

Advice. My friends are pretty great at giving it, but it's just...sometimes you need to seek out the help of professionals. The ones at Cosmo magazine. They're like the Yoda of monthly publications. If Yoda was kind of slutty and leaned across the table mid-entrée to tell you he wasn't wearing any underwear. Here's my synopsis of what the sages at Cosmo have to say in their December issue. Consider it my gift to you.

First off, right there on the cover, the "Secrets of Male Arousal". Hmm. No offense, gentlemen, but it's not exactly like trying to decipher that big sculpture outside CIA headquarters. They've titled the article "Make Him Burn with Pleasure", which seems odd, given I've always thought a burning sensation and sex were not a match made in heaven. Anyway, they talk about nerve endings and how different parts of the body respond to rubdowns; they've even provided a helpful "heat index". Turns out the inner thigh scores high. Groundbreaking stuff. However, there was one tidbit that caught my eye. They suggest popping a pair of his socks in the microwave for 20 seconds, then slipping them on him and firmly squeezing his feet all over. There's some feet/groin connection in the brain. Look, no one loves a foot massage more than me, so I get the whole toes as foreplay angle. Just one problem: naked man + socks = my lady boner just tapped out and went downstairs to put in the dvd of "Notting Hill".

Somewhat discouraged, I move on to "75 Guy Truths". There they go again with the number 75. I'll admit I did learn one thing, thanks to the question "What's the one thing men want to hear after sex?" I'd long suspected it wasn't "Geez, you and your brother really are alike". Well, supposedly, it's "Wow". I would've guessed it was either "Can I make you a sandwich", or "Could you call me a cab?" But the funniest q & a, hands down, is "Why can't men be more subtle about looking at boobs?" Answer: "Because he'd rather get a good look and get caught than be subtle and barely see anything". This alone was worth my $5. This should be printed on the hang tag of every bra manufactured henceforth.

Oh, and speaking of boobs, apparently "[My] Breasts Called (and they're feeling neglected)". Sorry, but no, they're not. And if they did have the ability to call (I won't let them get a smart phone), they'd probably tell me their plan for world domination is proceeding ahead of schedule. Then they'd cackle maniacally and hang up. I can't fault the article, though. It's pretty much a naughty bucket list for your girls, but without the skydiving or an inappropriate friendship with Jack Nicholson.

If I cared, I'd know how to decode his "O" face. This is a fairly new term, yes? If you'd said this to me 3 years ago, I'd probably have thought you meant the look a guy gets when you tell him you've PVR'd "Oprah's Favourite Things" so you can watch it together.

I've been hearing about this trend toward "macho" sweets recently, and now Cosmo has jumped on the dessert cart and recommends making your guy a "manly" cupcake. Which involves taking a chocolate cupcake, poking a bunch of holes in it, spooning a few tablespoons of Guinness over it, then frosting it with chocolate icing. Then they recommend sprinkling crumbled bacon over it. They also suggest smashing up a handful of bar nuts and tossing them on. I'm not sure if these are three different ideas or one, three-part idea, but I do not know why anyone would defile a perfectly lovely cupcake like this. Mind you, I'd probably still eat it. But you know something? You don't need to "man up" cupcakes. I speak from personal experience when I say that men respond just fine to pretty pink ones. And I do mean cupcakes, perverts.

Finally, they did have some very helpful tips for those times when I want a man to be more than friends. I am not supposed to text him too much, I should quickly change the subject if he talks about past relationships, flirt with him and then make sure to go talk to other men, and hang out with him in a group a maximum of two times before challenging him to a game of darts. So if I'm understanding this correctly, I should severely limit communication, bat my eyes for a bit and then wander off, bulldoze his attempts to share his feelings, and then ask him to join me in a secluded corner while I'm holding several small sharp objects? Who the fuck wrote this article? Glenn Close's character from "Fatal Attraction"? Is this supposed to land me a guy or a restraining order?

So to sum up, should I want to see a guy's "O" face, I should put on a low-cut top, hand him a beer-soaked bacon cupcake, microwave his socks, and rub his inner thighs? And if this works, I'm supposed to say "Wow" afterwards. Okay, Cosmo, I'm game. I just don't know what Oprah has to do with any of it.