Another Cosmo?

Had so much fun reading Cosmo a few weeks ago, I picked up the new issue. Because I'm altruistic, I've once again condensed the highlights into one convenient, easy-to-read post. I save you time and money AND you get to read my smart ass comments. You're a little turned on right now, aren't you? I can always tell.

Right off the bat, this cover headline caught my eye: "Own His Orgasm - What Men Secretly Want Right Before Blast Off". My immediate thought? "Cool - they're talking to astronauts about sex at Cape Canaveral." Then the only astronauts I could think of were Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong, and I got nervous. Anyway, I think my confusion was valid. Why? Because no guy, ever, in the history of orgasmic proclamations, has used the term "blast off." Sure, there's the common, and much appreciated, declarative statement ("I'm coming", "I'm going to come", etc) the men of the clergy ("Oh God", "Ooooohhhh Jesus"), the sports fan ("C'mon! That's it, fuck yeah, alright, go go go go go! YEAH! That's what I'm talking about"), and the confused ("Oh Stephanie"), but never, that I'm aware of, the aeronautical. The article itself is pretty lacklustre, though I did learn this interesting fact: the average speed of male ejaculate is 28 mph. Hmm. That's about twice as fast as the cruising speed of a kangaroo, but only half as fast as the Pronghorn antelope. Still - reigning World and Olympic record holder Usain Bolt reached a top running speed of just about 28 mph, so well done!

Then there were "100 Crazy Dirty Sex Questions". What is it with Cosmo and sex and numbers? It seems like every issue has "75 Sex Tips" or "100 Things Guys Want You to Know Before You Take Your Clothes Off" or "18 Things That Will Make a Man Weak in the Knees" (a six pack and a year's subscription to the Bacon of the Month club?). By my calculations, in the last 18 months, they've featured, let's see, 75 x 3 plus 100 plus...wait a sec...carry the one...about 1107 things I'm supposed to know, do, or say with my clothes off. Call me the Captain of the fun police, but once I weeded out things I've done, things I never want to do again, things I wouldn't say on a dare with a gun to my head, and things that would land me in traction, I'm left with about 20 things. Of those, maybe four would be worth me missing "America's Next Top Model".

My three favourites:

1) How many calories does semen have? Now, I've seen this question several times over the years. And I have to say - what the fuck? Thirty six calories per teaspoon. It takes 3500 calories to make up one measly pound. That's about 97 1/4 teaspoons. 486 mls. About one good time away from two cups. I just threw up in my mouth. Why do you people need to know this? Have we maybe taken the whole Weight Watchers points system a little too far? Are you replacing your half-and-half with a very special non-dairy creamer? Jesus.

2) "Is it okay to use an electric toothbrush as a vibrator?" Really? Did someone miss health class the day they explained exactly what "oral sex" is? First of all, let me say I believe oral health is very important. And the best thing I can do for my oral health, after flossing, is not use the Sonic Complete S-320 to get off.

3) "I've heard it's unsafe to do it on a trampoline. Why?" Okay- 100 questions is admittedly ambitious. But was there seriously not one question deemed more deserving than this one? That being said, it's simple logic, really. Trampolines are often used by acrobats. Acrobats are often found in the company of other circus performers. So why is it unsafe? Goddamn clowns, that's why.

46% of men surveyed said their favourite Halloween costume is "sexy/naughty", like a nurse or a French maid. Wow. Didn't see that one coming. Suddenly, the reason I went home alone that year I decided to go as Alice B. Toklas is so much clearer.

The "confessions" were the usual potpourri of suspect nonsense involving squeezing the wrong guy's ass, panties falling out of your desk drawer at work, etc. Sadly, no repeat appearance by Gus, the road kill sex guy. I assume this is because he was one of the lucky few this month who wasn't caught bare-assed by his landlord or his roommate's Mom while thinking about dead racoons and trying to last just a little bit longer.

In the somewhat unsavoury "How to Outsmart STDs" , it's recommended that you "give his junk a once-over." My people don't really use the word "junk". My people being women over 35, not Anglicans. This tip would be of no help to me; I see that sentence, I think it means you should check out the yard sale your latest crush is having before you decide whether to sleep with him. And if he's selling half-empty bottles of Valtrex, he may not be the guy for you.

There's the potentially useful "Easy Ways to Feel More Aroused". This is why I'm not a freelancer; I would've written "vodka" and hit send. The accompanying picture: an attractive woman, wearing a gray pencil skirt, topless, in her kitchen, holding a bag of what appears to be spaghetti, but could be fettucine, linguine, really any of your long noodles. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do to feel more aroused, but based on the photo evidence, I'm going to assume it has something to do with bringing a large pot of salted water to a rolling boil.

I can apparently burn 5 calories if I squeeze and release my butt muscles 60 times while talking to my boss. Maybe I'm lazy, but burning 5 calories, (approximately 1/7th of a teaspoon of semen), isn't nearly important enough to me to have my boss wondering why I'm clenching my ass while discussing my vacation request.

But the best, the absolute make my day fact: a new study has found that when guys look at women with rounder curves, the reward center in their brains lights up as though they were drinking alcohol or taking drugs. They waited until page 199 to tell me my ass can give someone a buzz? C'mon Cosmo - this is the stuff you should put on the cover! Sure, astronaut sex will hook some people, but finding out I've been hauling the visual equivalent of two vodka sodas and a shot of tequila around in my boot cuts will guarantee you get my $5.49 every time.