If I knew then...

Wisdom: wis·dom (noun) 1. The ability to discern or judge what is true, right, or lasting; insight. 2. Common sense; good judgement. 3. 1986 movie starring formerly engaged couple Emilio Estevez and Demi Moore. Unable to find work after a past felony, graduate John Wisdom and his girlfriend embark on a cross-country bank-robbing spree in order to aid American farmers.

Let's concentrate on the first two definitions. Though I bet Emilio's looking pretty good these days, huh, Demi? A while back, my favourite magazine published an article about the wisdom of women. With the benefit of hindsight, they asked, what would those who were now older and wiser tell women in their 20s? "Leggings will never, ever, be pants" comes leaping to mind, but here are a few more things my marginally wiser self would tell the 20 something me:

1) Heartbreak is not an actual medical condition. You'll get over it. You'll even kiss somebody else who makes your knees buckle and your ovaries sit up straight. Sure, you'll still stop dead in your tracks if you see HIM and perform evasive manoeuvres that may involve ducking behind a plant/ the cheese counter / an aisle full of Bic pens and Liquid Paper (for instance). But it'll make a good story later that afternoon. Or once you've stopped crying and sobered up. So take comfort in your Häagen-Dazs/giant bag of Wavy Lays/family-size Kit Kat Bar. It's temporary. And do they need to call it "family" size? I might never have a family what with all the time I wasted because of that bastard. Might want to rethink your marketing, Nestlé. Off topic, Häagen-Dazs is on half-price special this week (so only about $8.25) at my grocery store. I'm considering re-reading some old emails just so I can work up some emotional distress and thus justify a pint of Vanilla Swiss Almond making me its bitch. By the way, I'm a little sad that Facebook stalking has replaced a good old-fashioned heartbreak late-night drive-by of his house. I'm old school like that.

2) You'll probably never look as good as you do in your 20s. Sure, there are the exceptions, the late bloomers, who go from gawky to gorgeous. But the smooth skin, the fairly flat tummy, the ability to survive on 3 hours of sleep and nothing but nachos and beer for 3 days straight - ENJOY IT NOW. How much time did I waste trying to lose 5 pounds and agonizing when I didn't? If I still had the body I had then, I'd go grocery shopping in a bathing suit. I could be wrong, but I seriously doubt my bra will ever again by brought to me by the letter B. The skin is still holding up, though. I'd like to thank genetics, Retin-A and the blood of virgins.

3) For the love of Ban Ki-Moon, don't be an idiot. If you don't know who that is, skip to number four, Miss Teen South Carolina. I was lucky; my job and my upbringing dictated that I always knew what was going on in the world, even when I was chronologically predisposed to think the world revolved around me. You don't need to be able to explain the entire history of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, but please be able to identify a few world leaders in addition to every former star of "The Bachelor". No one likes an idiot. Well, I don't. And people like me, maybe your boss, definitely your co-workers, will judge you. Be informed, be aware. I love pop culture, but there's a whole universe beyond Perez Hilton. And no, Darfur isn't some guy on Drake's new disc.

4) It's okay to just date. This is the one I really had trouble with. Still do, but for different reasons. I wish I'd dated just for the sake of dating, and flirting, and figuring out what I wanted, instead of it always having to mean something bigger. But I grew up on John Hughes movies, back when "hooking up" still meant getting together, meeting some place, hanging out, and you only dated one person at a time who, after a prescribed number of dates, became your boyfriend. Who you then went with to see John Hughes movies. I think it would have been fun to try, although I suspect I wouldn't have been very good at it. What can I say? I'm a relationship girl in a holla back world.

5) No one has to know EVERYTHING about you. Not your mom. Not even your best friends. And especially not your co-workers. You will regret it. Especially when they're still bringing up your ex-boyfriend 5 years later. Besides, if someone knows every little thing about you, chances are much higher that you could be kidnapped and held in an abandoned warehouse by a bunch of bad guys while your arch nemesis assumes your identity. Granted, this is more of an issue if you're a spy, but still, something to think about. And fyi - my arch nemesis is the allegedly much-beloved fictional character Anne of Green Gables. Next Kick a Ginger day, I'm coming for you, little girl.

6) Tell the people you love you love them. Often. I'm thinking your family and friends more so than the guy you've had two dates with. Or worse, the guy you thought you were maybe getting back together with so you slept with him, only he was a bit distracted during your proclamation because he had a date in a few hours.

I'm sure there are dozens more ways I could've used my own advice back then. I would have been emotionally healthier, happier, and enjoying my pretty flat tummy. There are also a few things the 20 something me could have shared in return: Bono will still be sexy, there's no such thing as comfortable high heels, and you will never, ever look good in yellow.


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