Never never land

I love drinking games. Quarters. Caps. Beer Pong. Okay, I've never actually played Beer Pong, but I saw Betty While play it on Fallon, and I get the sense I'd be good at it. But my favourite, hands down (bottoms up?), has to be "I Never".

You know the premise, right? You get a group together, you try and think of something you've never done that everyone else has, you make your claim, those who've done it take a drink. Example: I say I've never been to London. If you have, you take a drink. Essentially, the more you've done, or at least the more you'll admit to, the drunker you get.

I never get to play, mostly because my friends and I are getting a bit old for drinking games, so pop a cold one and keep reading.

I've never had sex in my parents' house. And quite frankly, I'm shocked at the number of people who'd take a drink on this one. Granted, this typically happens in high school, and sex wasn't really my thing then. But even if it had been, and I'd managed to get Mom and Dad off the premises and paid off my brother, we lived next door to my grandparents. My Nanny plus a rolling pin would've resulted in the type of blue balls teenage boys need rehabilitation to get over.

I've never ordered a rum and coke. Tried a sip of one once; thought it tasted like rancid sugar. If you licked that sugar off Satan's ass. I sort of judge people who claim it's their favourite drink. As an Atlantic Canadian, I realize I'm supposed to go directly from Captain Crunch to Captain Morgan, but what can I say? I've never been attracted to sailors.

I've never picked anyone up at the airport. I've never owned a car, so this isn't that unusual. I have, however, met someone at the Gard du Nord in Paris and immediately raced to a cab, saying "la Tour Eiffel, s'il vous plaît!", which I think is much cooler and a teensy bit "Bourne Identity". I suppose even without a vehicle, I still could've met people at the airport, but it's a bit less international spy if you give them a big hug and then go wait in line for the hotel shuttle.

Drunk yet? Get you another rum and coke?

I've never had a one night stand. Sidebar: we need to establish a few parameters for this one. A one night stand means sex, not just a bit of slap and tickle. Nor does it mean a drunken feel next to the coat check at the Misty Moon with a gentleman whose name may have been Gerard. Hypothetically. Anyway, not really my thing. I'd like to think this has a bit to do with the siren song of my feminine wiles. Or perhaps it's just that my milkshake brings the boys back to my yard. Seriously. I make an excellent milkshake.

I've never joined the rest of the poor, hapless single women at a wedding to catch the bouquet. I think it's a ridiculous, slightly humiliating custom. I've just spent 15 minutes talking to your cousin about his wicked costume idea for the next sci-fi convention; hitting me in the head with ribbon wrapped calla lilies seems uncalled for. If you really want to herd all the single girls like so many high-heeled cattle into the middle of a dance floor, try throwing a be-ribboned vibrator. Those little buggers are expensive. I've heard the new Jimmyjane Form 3 makes a lovely gift. My birthday's in December.

Still reading? Things a bit blurry? How many fingers am I holding up?

I'm sure my singular list of things I've never done would run out eventually, and I'd end up well and truly plastered. Hasn't happened yet, but I think there's a couple simple reasons for that: there's lots of pretty common stuff I haven't done, and my friends have done a lot of really random, probably degenerate, possibly illegal stuff. You know who you are.