A little romance

I've said it before, but I'm not really one for the grand romantic gesture. This may be because I've dated more than one man whose idea of a romantic gesture is returning my phone call, and also because I'm naturally suspicious. If I came home to find rose petals strewn about on the way to the bedroom, I'd assume the cat got bored and was now somewhere in the house yacking up bits of greenery. And if some guy tried to draw me a nice bubble bath, there's a better than average chance I'd assume he was trying to drown me. I may watch "Criminal Minds" a bit too much. Anyway...those things sort of leave me lukewarm. Romance to me isn't candles and chocolate so much as it's a bag of Kettlecorn and The West Wing on DVD. I think for many women I know, romance really is the little things. But it seems like guys are getting bombarded with the message that a truly romantic gesture needs to be one that sets you back a week's pay and might be visible from space. Wrong. Let's look at some of the most common gestures, and why you might want to rethink them.

1) Roses and chocolate. Sure, they're both lovely, and chicks dig 'em. Nothing wrong with that at all. But it seems a bit impersonal and, let's be honest, way over-priced.  You know what would knock my knee socks off? Tulips and/or my favourite lemon tart. Or tulips and gourmet sea salt. What? I cook, I love salt, and I can't justify that pink Himalayan salt I keep eyeing. And fyi - sending flowers to her workplace? Tread lightly. You may make her office mates (at least one of whom will read the card before she does) hate / mock  her a little. And is it really about how much she means to you, or is it because you want her co-workers to assume you're going to rock her world later? Or that she rocked yours last night? Thought so.

2) In recent years, we've somehow been led to believe that grand gestures of affection made in public are always better, more special. Romantic comedies starring Kate Hudson might be to blame. See: Jumbotron proposals aplenty. Have you seen the youtube video where the guy proposes at centre court during a basketball game? Let me save you the time -  these sorts of things don't always end so well. Unless you define "well" as tears and fleeing.  And some people just aren't built for LED professions of love. You know what, for me, is romantic? An arm on the back of my chair or a hand on the back of my neck. In public. Does this mean I'm easy to please? Maybe. But public displays of affection are great even when they're not 12 feet wide. For many of us, smaller might even be better.

3) Buying us lingerie. I think the idea of slutty undies as high romance reached critical mass when Victoria's Secret started airing commercials. So did inappropriate erections, probably.  I know this seems sexy, and it certainly seems to work wonders in movies. But there are a couple potential problems, even if you do manage to get our size right (good for you, by the way!). Odds are, you're heading home with a gift-wrapped no-win situation. Get us something too naughty, and we may think you're bored with our sex life. Something too tame, and we may assume we're either too slutty, you don't think we're hot anymore, or you're gay. Bet you never knew those skimpy little cups could hold boobs AND so much subtext, did you? A silky little chemise or something similar is usually a safe choice, but a handful of lace, a tiny clasp and a couple of underwires, in the wrong hands, can be Macgyvered into an IED (instant emotional drama) faster than you can say 36C. And for the love of Heidi Klum, make sure it's a PMS free zone. Because ass-tastic lacy boy shorts + raging hormones are not a cocktail you want to mess with. Why would you get her those? You know she hates her cellulite. You must have her confused with your crazy ex-girlfriend. Do you even know her at all?  Bastard.

4) Whisking us away for the weekend. Granted, I know perhaps two people who've ever had this happen, so I don't know how common it is, but it seems like it would be an awesome idea. You meet her at work on a Friday, have her bag packed, she has no clue where you're going on your dirty weekend getaway. Except...the surprise just might be on you. Take me for instance: I'm usually exhausted on Friday after work. And I know the cat food bowl is empty. And if you packed my bag, I guarantee you didn't realize the hair stuff I really need is in the downstairs bathroom, and god, why did you pack this top - I keep meaning to throw it out because it makes my boobs look weird. And did I actually even give you a key? See where I'm going? Not exactly the foreplay you were hoping for, is it? Better to tell a woman you'll be leaving at 10am on Saturday, returning around dinnertime on Sunday, she'll need one nice outfit, and yes, you can stop for coffee first thing. Happy? It's not that we don't love spontaneity; we just usually like to be prepared for it.

I think there's way too much pressure on guys to come up with these big romantic gestures. And these days, who has the time, the money or the imagination? Worse, do it too often and they might become expected, and that's never good.  Sadly, gentlemen, there will always be some women who want to be swept off their feet. But then they reach their 23rd birthdays. Sure, we all want to be dazzled every so often, but it's not really necessary all the time. You know what counts as romantic for most women? Do you think she's awesome? Have you told her lately? That's romantic. So bring me a lemon tart and return my phone call. I'm swooning already.