In Profile

I changed my social media profile photo recently. If you arrived here via twitter or Facebook, you know what it looks like. If you got here some other way, it's over there to the right, on my feed - pink lips, a bit of cleavage, reasonably tidy office in the background. At least one of those things constitutes fraud.

A day or two after I changed it, a guy told me he liked the new pic. I recall saying it was a little witness protection-y, but he maintained it had two of the four things you need for a good profile pic - mouth and cleavage. The other two, according to the gentleman in question, are neither a fake moustache nor a cat; they're eyes and butt, with sexy shoes coming in around 5th place. I'm still trying to work out how one gets eyes, mouth, cleavage AND butt, never mind a shoe cameo, in there without needing Nicki Minaj's choreographer and/or a chiropractor. But it got me thinking - what have my profile pics said about me?

I'm not one to change up my pic a lot. I think I've had maybe half a dozen in 4 years. There was the stylized, sort of pop-art filtered one. There was the laughing in my living room, tipsy at a party, no glasses on one. The fake moustachioed one. The photobombed by my cat one. Occasionally, a close up of my eyes, which an ex-boyfriend told me go absolutely emerald green when I'm horny or angry, so I'm sure that one both arouses and terrifies him.

And then there's the most recent one. Let's be honest  - it's hot lips and a hint of boobs. Is it sexy? I suppose. I do know this - I've had no more than a handful of comments on all other pics combined, but this one, this one was comment heavy. From people I know, people I don't know, and one person who isn't used to seeing me that way who said "Is that you in the pic?" Sorry for making you blush, Paul. Women tended to comment on the shade of lipstick. Men commented on...other stuff.

After much (not really) analysis of comments both recent and not so, here's what I've determined my various profile pics have said. I'll stick mostly to men, because comments from women tend to be of the "your skin looks awesome / Tallulah is so cute / where'd you get that pillow on the couch?" variety.

1) My eyes - without glasses, fun, possibly intense, maybe horny. With glasses, smarter than you, will likely correct your grammar. All these things are true.

2) A fake moustache - I think it says I'm fun. I think I actually look pretty good with one. But I wonder if people who don't know me think I'm trying to cover up some weird mole. Also, I've discovered a handlebar moustache is surprisingly good at bringing out my cheekbones.

3) A cat - I thought the message it sent was genuine and cute. In retrospect, it may say "hasn't seen a penis in this fiscal quarter". Sure, people who own cats have sex. But people who have regular sex don't let their cats in their profile pictures. Should probably just call it and go back to that pic, actually.

4) Hot pink lips - blow job.

5) A bit of cleavage - You know what it says? One word: "Boobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobs". Based on this, I'm pretty sure Hodor from Game of Thrones could instantly double his vocabulary if someone showed him my profile pic.

Actually, I'm not being entirely accurate. I seem to recall someone summoning enough vocabularly to say it made them think of jewellery. A pearl necklace, specifically.

6) Butt - Moot point. Never happened, never going to happen. When it comes to photos of my ass, I liken it to the famous, oft-debated photo of Big Foot:  not sure under what circumstances it was caught on camera, can kind of see some sort of  shape, if it weren't so blurry, it would either be terrifying or fucking awesome.

So, to sum up, if I want my pic to accurately represent me, I want it to say, firstly, smart, then funny, then, hopefully, cute, maybe a little sexy. So glasses, a fake moustache, a hint of cleavage are good. Hot pink lips, use at my own risk.