And another thing...

924. That's a rough estimation of how many things are on my pet peeve list on any given day. Annoyances big and small (mostly small) that set my teeth to grinding and my nostrils to flare. It takes a lot to make me truly angry, but very little to annoy the fuck out of me. My mother hates this about me. That annoys me.

I won't subject you to all of them, but here's a small sampling of peevery from the last few days. Let me know if I'm hitting a nerve. Or if this annoys you.

1) Cell phone ring tones of cutesy songs. Or, really, any songs. Yesterday's offender? "The Entertainer". I'm not convinced this is what Scott Joplin envisioned as his legacy. What's wrong with a simple ring or, better yet, vibrate? Vibrate is awesome. Don't take my word for it; ask my nightstand. The one exception to this rule? The theme from the Muppet Show.

2) Ed effin' Hardy. Is it not bad enough that both Paris Hilton and Jon Gosselin have been photographed decked out head-to-toe in this nonsense? They also make Ed Hardy dog outfits. C'mon - that's animal abuse. Do you think it's not hard enough just being a Pomeranian? I don't care how many skulls and roses and bedazzled daggers you put on one, it still looks like something my cat coughed up.

3) When people say "I seen". I'm kind of a pissy bitch when it comes to grammar and spelling, and I could compile a lengthy list of infractions that make my blood boil, but I'll stick to this one, since it's an epidemic. It makes people sound like their i.q. just dropped 20 points. Hugh Jackman and Blair Underwood could show up at my door right now, holding three bottles of syrah and the Miles Davis' box set, and if either of them dropped an "I seen" into the getting-to-know-you small talk, they would seen their hopes of a threesome vanish faster than my inhibitions.

4) People who bring little children to movies that don't feature animated characters, talking animals, or a Jonas brother. Seriously, Ben Affleck is not your baby sitter.

5) Clothing for women with breasts always seems to have extra-long arms. I have more than a handful; this doesn't mean I can touch my knees without bending over. If you follow the skewed logic of most clothing manufacturers, chicks with small boobs should be wearing tops with arms that look like they were made for a T-Rex.

6) Those damn jeans young guys wear with the crotch hanging down to their knees. Look, I'm sure I've committed enough fashion crimes in my day to give Cher a run for her money, but how do they even stay up? Well, they don't. I've (unwillingly) seen so much boxer-clad teenage ass I half expect Chris Hansen to show up in my kitchen and ask me to explain myself.

7) News anchors who decide on a catchphrase and use it incessantly. I'm looking at you, T.J. Holmes. Telling every damn guest/reporter/co-host that you "appreciate" them numerous times in a two or three minute segment starts to sound a little insincere, and a lot like really polite Tourette's. I'd appreciate it if you'd cut it the hell out.

8) My painting abilities. I realized this annoys precisely no one else. I thought I'd tackle the spare room; it's tiny, so how hard could it be? Very. Painting tape didn't help, two different types of edgers didn't help, swearing didn't help. Spatter everywhere. 2/3 of a gallon of Silver Shores later, I'm considering telling people Jackson Pollack got his start as a house painter.

9) The fact that I can only think of eight things right now kind of annoys me, since I'm normally in the double digits by lunchtime. Is this a sign of a more accepting, a more forgiving, me? Not a chance. I remain, now and always, peevishly yours.