Sweet November

No, gentle readers, not the maudlin, unintentionally hilarious tear-jerker starring Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron. The November issue of Cosmo is out! The cover girl this month? Why, Sesame Street's very own Hester Prynne, Katy Perry. Except I'm pretty sure her Scarlet letter might be a "C", possibly a "D". Seriously, Elmo, they're just boobs.

You know the drill. I read, I pass judgement, I save you $5.49 by distilling the essential, need-to-know information I've gleaned from this month's issue. You might want to use protection; this one's a bit slutty.

The cover caught my eye straight-away. "First, Take Off His Pants". Now see, I'm old-fashioned. I always thought the shirt went first, then you work your way down. But what do I know - I've had a long standing policy of never sleeping with someone unless I have, in some esoteric, organic fashion, learned their middle name.

Anyway, the article is about hand jobs. Which Cosmo says will remind both the giver and the givee of those good old sexy times in high school. If I want to be reminded of my high school sex life, hand jobs aren't the ticket. That would be sitting in my parents' rec room, wondering if John Stamos is a good kisser. The article, I'll admit, is a pretty comprehensive how-to, if you're into that. I've never really seen the point. My real problem is the terms they use for the male anatomy. I wish I was kidding, but the phrases "throw his disco stick a party" and "give his sausage a massage" come up. Really? Dear Cosmo: "penis" is fine; "cock" is better. Say it with me: "Cock". Fun, right? Rolls off the tongue, no? Save your sausage for your pizza and your disco stick for your Lady Gaga Halloween costume.

Do we really need to talk about the Cosmo "confessions"? The usual mixed bag of public bare-assedness, roommate revenge, and hooking-up horrors. Just once, I wish there was a real confession. Something along the lines of: "I'm in a long-distance relationship, and I only get to see my boyfriend once a month. Sometimes, when I'm driving the 4 hours to see him, I like to kill a hitchhiker just to pass the time."

November marks the annual Cosmo 2010 Bachelor Blowout. A veritable directory of single men. Most of the gentlemen in question are in their early to mid 20s, but a few are a bit more seasoned. Bravo to both the Carolinas, and holy hot chef, Ohio! New Hampshire might want to rethink his answers, though. When asked how he knows he's into a woman, he replied " When I don't think about the things I'm missing out on while I'm with her". My God, he's a Lord Byron for our time, don't you think?

And then there's the quiz, which promises to tell me the "Wicked Things Other Women Do in Bed". It consists of 63 questions ("Cosmo's Naughty Sex Checklist"), and I'm meant to answer "I've done it", "I haven't, but I'm curious" or "I wouldn't". Disclaimer: I'm older than your typical Cosmo reader, so I've had more time to check things off. I kept a running tally in my head, so I might be off by a few, but I'm pretty sure the only person who scored higher than me was Charlie Sheen. Granted, some of it is pretty tame, and there aren't any questions involving really distasteful stuff, like farm animals, golden showers, or Bill O'Reilly, but still... I should probably feel dirty. And 24% of women surveyed say they wouldn't fake an orgasm during sex. Give it time, ladies. Give it time.

The Cosmo Weekend section has a few interesting tidbits. The Fun, Fearless Way to Meet a Guy? Scope out a guy on a laptop at a coffeeshop. Ask to borrow his computer to quickly Google something. When he hands it to me, I'm supposed to quickly open a blank Word doc and type in my name and number before handing it back to him. I see a few potential problems here. Girlfriend? Sexual Orientation? An unfamiliar operating system? Oh - and the fact that it's batshit crazy.

I should also apparently be playing more video games, since I'd be getting it on more if I were. I'm hitting the bullshit button. Why? Because I've spent a whole lot of DS face time with one Professor Layton these past few weeks, and not once has he looked up from a puzzle, raised a rakish eyebrow, and asked if he could see my diabolical box. Look it up; that's a funny line.

Finally, a poll of smart phone users has revealed some interesting facts about men. 42% of iPhone users, and 34% of Blackberry users, would be turned off by a woman with out-of-date gadgets, like a cell phone or computer. Holy fuck - I finally know why I'm single. It's not that I'm smarter than most guys or that I have super short hair; it's my c.d. player and my landline! Thanks Cosmo - as always, you have all the answers.