Divided we stand

There are some things in this life that truly divide us. Things we fervently disagree on, with no hope of ever seeing the other side. No, sillies, I'm not talking about the results of our recent election (what happens in Vegas, am I right Ruth Ellen?), or the no hits to the head in hockey debate, or even, in the case of my ex-boyfriend, the clinical definition of monogamy. I'm talking about other, far more divisive and incendiary things. I dare you not to have an unswayable opinion on at least some of these:

1) "Life of Pi". Countless fans will tell you it's a fable for the ages. Other will tell you it's punishment for something horrible they didn't realize they did. I won't say that I'd rather be on a lifeboat with a tiger than forced to read another page of that book. That would be excessive. What I'd really like is to have a time machine, so I could send Yann Martel back a decade or so. To a lifeboat. Where a tiger would eat him, thus making the book never happen.

2) Crunchy versus puffy Cheesies. This was brought to my attention this weekend. I wasn't aware this was a bone of contention, nor was I aware I had a strong opinion on it. Bonus! I say the puffy ones, since they're half air, thus taking up more space and taking fewer to satisfy me. Crunchy purists say they benefit from more condensed cheesiness. But let's face it; everyone's a winner in this debate. It's a serving of dairy, and calcium is important.

3) "The English Patient" (the movie version). Some moviegoers (hey, Mom) say this jerked their tears like no other. Here's the thing: she's dead, or nearly so. The next two hours and 58 minutes (give or take) are just leading up to how she got dead. She's still dead. And no amount of naked Ralph Fiennes will change the fact that I already know the ending five minutes in. See also: Benes, Elaine.

4) Black jelly beans. It seems as though people who love them love them more than any other colour.  We have a candy machine at work. Your .25 cents might, if you're lucky, get you seven  beans. My ideal mix would be three white, two pink, an orange and maybe a yellow. My friend Kate would be thrilled with 5 black and two green. And yet she seems so normal. What the hell flavour is green supposed to be, anyway? Pine?

5) Pineapple on your pizza. I wasn't aware this was such a line in the sauce issue until fairly recently. It seems to be loosely split along gender lines, with most men steering so far clear of a Hawaiian pizza you'd swear it causes temporary impotence. Don't get me wrong; pineapple only belongs on certain kinds of pizza. But when it's good, it's all kinds of awesome. Go on, baby - have a slice. It's good, isn't it? What? Oh, it happens to everybody once in a while. We can just cuddle.

6) Movies with Vin Diesel in them. Okay, this one may not be all that divisive. No, actually, it is. Between the 7,836,363 people who paid $11 a ticket opening weekend, and me. Fast and Furious 17 killed it at the box office opening weekend, making something like $86 million. Some would say you can't argue with $86 million dollars. No, you can't. But you can make every effort to key the cars of as many of those 7,836,363 idiots as possible while they're eating popcorn and cheering for this nonsense.

7) Nickelback. I don't need to tell you which side of the coin I'm on, right?

8) Red vs. white wine. I know what you're thinking - plenty of people like both. No, they don't. Not really. Sure, they might say they do, but they have a definite preference. Most white wine drinkers I know really dislike red wine. At least red wine drinkers will humour you and drink a glass of white if you offer it to them. But they're judging you while they do it. Think about it - you're having one of those dark nights of the soul, do you head to the kitchen thinking "Oh, hey, you know what goes well with heartbreak? Chardonnay." You do? Jesus. If I'm going to regret something deeply the next morning, I'd like the tannin headache to show for it. And red wine is just sexier. Nothing bad ever came of opening a bottle of red with a guy you're sweet on. You know what comes of opening a bottle of white with a guy you're sweet on? Blue balls. 
 
There are so many more - Tim Horton's coffee, yay or nay? Chest hair, hot or not? Thong underwear, evil or genius? And while we may disagree on those, I think there's one thing we can all agree on: Yann Martel needs to have his wrists slapped. By a tiger.