Q & A

One of my favourite magazine features is the Proust Questionnaire in "Vanity Fair". Should you ever find yourself on "Inside the Actor's Studio", James Lipton will likely accost you with his version of the quiz. However, despite what Mr. Lipton may tell you, it was not invented by Marcel Proust; it was merely popularized by him. And I'm pretty sure neither Proust nor his contemporaries would care one bit that your favourite curse word is "motherfucker".

Since Graydon Carter has yet to call (does he have my cell number?), I've taken it upon myself to provide my answers. Lucky you.

What is your current state of mind?
A bit wistful. And peckish.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
I don't know that perfect happiness actually exists, but a summer evening, just after twilight, on my back deck, lanterns lit, with a beer and people who make me laugh is pretty great. Or at the shore, summer evening, just after twilight, with a beer and one person who makes me laugh.

What is your greatest fear?
Losing my parents.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Every one always wants to answer this with "Napoleon" or "Cleopatra" or "Caligula". So what the hell - Dorothy Parker. But with less drinking and far fewer affairs. So a debauchery lite Dorothy Parker. All the bitchy wit, fewer carbs.

Which living person do you most admire?
Jane Goodall. Judy Blume. Carol Burnett.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Procrastination.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
An unwillingness to experience new things.

What is it that you most dislike?
Spiders. With one exception. See below.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
My profile. Or my knees.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Kindness. A curious mind. And nice forearms.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Self-sufficiency. And a dirty laugh.

What is your greatest extravagance?
Perfect, tiny, overpriced pastries. Heaps of flowers for my deck. Sleeping in far too late on the weekends.

What do you most value in your friends?
A sense of humour and a slight tendency towards, and love of, the inappropriate. And to plagiarize from recent Questionnaire subject Albert Brooks, that they dislike the same people I do.

What is your favorite journey?
Nearly every year, my Mom and I make the drive from my house to my parents' house for Christmas, usually on the 24th. Every year, she says she want to get home early. And every year, we stop countless times: for Starbucks' holiday drinks, for a few more stocking stuffers, for a present for the dog, to see if my Aunt has good snacks and tea on. Every year, the 90 minute drive takes us at least 4 or 5 hours. And I love it.

What is your most treasured possession?
My grandfather's shaving brush and my grandmother's cameo. A distant third is the bath tray that allows me to read books in the tub.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Restraint and patience are in a battle to the death over this one. One I wish I possessed more of; you can decide which one...

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
"Awesome." "Fuck." "Don't bite your sister."

On what occasion do you lie?
Unfortunately for some, not often enough. But almost always when asked by an ex-boyfriend how my love life is going. And after about picture number 65 in most wedding albums.

Which living person do you most despise?
Is the guy who decided to fuck with Scooby Doo back in the day still alive? Then him.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Victor Saunders.

When and where were you happiest?
Very likely The Amalfi Coast. 2006. Before the limoncello. After the limoncello. Just perhaps not during the limoncello.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I'd be a mom.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Buying my house.

Which talent would you most like to have?
 I would love to be able to sing. Not Celine style, just in tune. Or play the piano.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
The panelling in my parents' rec room.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Leaving a hospital room for the last time.

What is your favorite occupation?
Spending hours in a large book store, with easy access to coffee.  Or exploring some place I've never been, armed with a well-written guide book and/or a witty travel companion.

What is your greatest regret?
I try not to have too many, but spending so much of my 30s doubting myself would be a big one.

What is your most marked characteristic?
My sense of humour. Or my boobs. My most unmarked characteristic is rampant sentimentality.

Who are your favorite writers?
Gabriel Garcia Marquez. J.K. Rowling. e.e. cummings. Carolyn Keene.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Charlotte, of "Charlotte's Web".

How would you like to die?
Many, many years from now, two hours past twilight, on the Amalfi Coast. After a glass of limoncello and regaling my tablemates with the dirtiest joke they've ever heard.

What is your motto?
"Life is to be enjoyed. Eat the damn cupcake". Or, occasionally,  "Just shut up and kiss me". Depends on the day. And the wine tally.

And in case Mr. Lipton is reading this, mine rhymes with "rock chucker".