Dating by the numbers

Dating. It's been the number one topic for my friends and me lately. Other than what we were going to eat next. Haven't talked about dating this much in a while, mostly because I'm not sure I'm built for it. But I am sure of this: dating, or at least the way I view dating, is much different after 35.

For today's purposes, let's define dating as repeatedly spending time with someone you like and are hoping to get to know better,  romantically. Definitions are important. I once thought I was seeing someone casually. So did he. Except my definition of casual was we'd see each other once, occasionally twice a week. His definition was that we'd see each other once, occasionally twice a week. Because he was seeing 2 or 3 other people on the other nights.

In my 20s and even early 30s, I wanted to be wooed. Grand romantic gestures, extravagant plans - these were the things I wanted in a relationship.  Didn't get 'em, but wanted 'em. Now, who has the time for grand gestures? And I'm so tired at the end of the week, I kind of don't want to commit to something too far in advance. Some of the best evenings are spur of the moment. It doesn't mean a guy likes you less; it means there's nothing he'd rather do tonight. Fine by me. That being said, it is awfully nice to have something to look forward to, but don't make plans you aren't going to keep. I used to brush it off as "no big deal" if I got cancelled on, not wanting to be that girl, even though I was seething inside. It was always a big deal, jackasses. 

Forget what I just said. I do still want to be wooed. But the manner of woo has changed. There was a time when it meant fancy dinners and gifts (the eye-watering "Obsession" by Calvin Klein comes to mind). Now, it means getting extra green olives on the pizza because I like them, or remembering how I take my coffee. Because anyone can pull out their Visa; thoughtful gestures that show a guy's been paying attention are much harder to come by.

I think we all go through it, but I wanted to date "that" guy. The hot one, the coolest one, the emotionally cruel one. I usually didn't, because everyone else wanted to date him, too. But the thing is, I've realized that cute and kind is the new hot. And the new coolest. Emotionally cruel isn't the new anything. Boy, would the romantic landscape of my 30s have been different if I'd figured that out a little sooner.

I always wanted to "do something" on a date. I mean go out, have dinner, cocktails, see a band. And sure, those things are great. But I sometimes wonder if part of the excitement was knowing that other people were seeing me on a date. You know what? Staying in is a date. I have an awesome house, a great tv, and a fully stocked bar. And my couch is the best seat in the house. Plus, you can totally make out with the girl who brings you your drink. Try that at the Fireside. I'm worried, though, that buying my house has sent me even further into dating Siberia, making me seem "too settled" for most men. Several guys I know assured me that "a chick with her own place" is a bonus. Hasn't proven to be the case. Not even with all the HD sports channels. Fuck. I pay too much for cable and I'm still not getting a kiss goodnight.

I don't want you to sleep over. Not all the time. When I was younger, it was sort of a badge of honour if a guy spent the entire night. Don't get me wrong; I'd really like a little chat, maybe a snack, before a guy has one foot in his pants and the other on his gas pedal. But let's get this out of the way right now:  I sleep hard. I wake up looking like an extra from "28 Days Later". Why would I do that to someone I really like? But if you stay over on the weekend, I can promise Belgian waffles and piping hot coffee. Just do both of us a favour: unless you have a Gorgon fantasy (no judgement)  you might want to sleep with a pillow over your face. Or invest in a sleep mask. It's for your own good.

I don't want to talk numbers with you. Not that mine are in any way horrifying, unless you're my Mom,  but I don't want to know if yours are a bit Sheen-ish. Why are we so eager to share sex math when we're younger? Here's all you need to know:  enough to feel like I have a firm handle on things, not so many I have a standing prescription for the morning-after pill. However, dating horror stories are another matter. Bring 'em on. If you can't laugh about your romantic mishaps, you can always laugh about mine.

There is one thing that hasn't changed, unfortunately. I still want a guy to do the asking. It's not that I'm old-fashioned; it's that I'm a grade A chicken. I realize this goes completely against how I want people to perceive me:  independent, strong, forthright. And most of the time, I am. But I'm also the girl who took a friend to prom because the first guy I ever asked out turned me down. Thank God; it'll make for a much better chapter in my inevitably best-selling autobiography.

And by the way, I did consider asking a guy my age for his take on the differences in dating women over 35, but then I realized pretty much every guy my age who's looking to date would say "there are women over 27?" Never mind.