This time it's personal

There it is again. An ad for e-harmony. E-horror is more like it. While I could never do it, I'm in awe of people who put themselves out there. I prefer to meet guys the organic way. You know: friends introduce you, or maybe you meet at a house party, you hit it off right away. You've been talking all evening, he's attentive, he leans in close and says "Hey, this might be a little forward, but can I ask you something? Your friend, the one with the long hair - is she single? "  Good times.  Anyway, not my thing, but I googled some tips for writing an online personal ad, just for research.

1) I'm supposed to choose a catchy user name that says something positive about me as an individual dater, while avoiding a handle that may be seen as overly aggressive or too timid or too generic.

Okay, so "Idon'tlikespooning" is out. So is "LiveswithKitties" or "Likesitontop". Actually, that last one has potential, at least in the short-term.

2) I'm supposed to paint myself  in the best possible light. Seems obvious.They suggest being truthful and humorous, yet modest, perhaps starting with a question to draw people in or by sharing some things I like about myself or that others frequently remark on. Then I'm to write a sentence or two about what I'm looking for in a date or partner.

I think I'm sort of cool, and by my age, honesty is pretty much my best quality, so I think we're good here. What do my friends remark on most? That I'm funny, I know lots of big words, and my boobs. I'll probably  leave at least one of those out.

As for what I'm looking for in a partner, hmmm. I really enjoy guys'  forearms. This is weird, I know. Some girls like a nice bum; me, I'm a forearm aficionado. But most men have two of those, at least so long as we're not counting Def Leppard drummers, so it hardly narrows the list of candidates.
.
3) Add a flattering picture of myself. Look for a recent picture where I'm the central focus, with a nice smile. Avoid pictures where I'm drinking.

Okay, so no prom photo. Too bad. Pale blue tulle is a good colour on me. The last photo I willingly posed for was when I renewed my driver's license, and even then I didn't want to. I typically avoid cameras like someone in the witness protection program.  Except when I'm drinking, ironically.

4) Avoid bland cliches like "looking for someone to share my life with" or "I like dining out." State my interests specifically.  Be descriptive about things that are important to me.

So no walks in the rain or being a people person, then? Just as well; my hair does not look good wet. And while proper punctuation is quite important to me, I fear that might send the wrong...wait..what...did you just fall asleep while you were reading that?

Okay - keeping these tips in mind, here goes.  I will never actually use it, but here's what my fake ad might actually say:

"Wordsandwinefan" - Have you always wanted to have wings and beer - in Morocco?  Me too! Also me: very early 40s, never married, green eyes, curvy. My friends rely on me to crack them up, but I'm looking for a guy who simply makes me smile. I've found that interesting conversation is one of life's most enjoyable pleasures. Well, that, and cheese. My perfect weekend usually involves good coffee, a great bookstore, and pasta, but I won't say no to mini-golf.  I love modern design but live in a 107 year old house. I love independent movies, but have seen "The Hunt for Red October" at least a dozen times. I'd like to meet someone between 38-45 who's easygoing and curious. About the world, food, books, and me. You don't have to agree with me on everything, but you need to be passionate when you're telling me why you don't. Tall is great, kindness is essential, and a touch of wanderlust is fantastic. If you can have a great time whether playing Wii with friends or drinking cheap wine at 2am on a rooftop in Rome, let me know.

I suspect my ad, were it ever posted, would receive responses pretty much like the following:

From: "Likestheladies2579"

Hey there. I noticed your ad, and I think we'd hit it off.  I'm not really into books or movies, but I do really like driving my Lexus. That's an expensive car. I mostly spend my weekends working out or going to whatever bar is hot. Gotta stay current, you know. Being "kind" seems sort of girly, but I wouldn't hit a woman or anything. I don't really "get" travelling to weird places, but I just got back from a sweet trip to Vegas with my boys. What happens in Vegas, am I right? Anyway, if you could, send a full body shot so I can see if curvy just means boobs and ass or all over. You can't be too careful with these things. I'm not overly tall, but no one has ever complained when they're lying down, know what I'm saying? Oh - it says very early 40s. Don't suppose that's a typo, is it? Not a deal breaker, since you look much younger. And hey - the girl in the background in your profile picture - is she single?