Friend speak

I'm a pretty honest person. My friends know if they want a sugar-coated opinion, I'm very likely fresh out of sugar. But sometimes, we're not honest with our friends. We're saying one thing, but secretly hoping they get what we really mean. Kind of makes you wish friends came with a decoder ring, huh? 

What your friend says: "You have a big personality / you're so much fun / you're the sparkliest person in the room".  What she means: "You're a loudmouth. No wonder no one asks you out - they can't get a word in edgewise. Shut the fuck up".

What your friend says: "He just wasn't the right person for you". What she means: "You'll die alone".

What your friend says: "I'm sure you didn't do or say anything to turn him off". What she means: "You totally said or did something to turn him off. Shut the fuck up or you'll die alone".

"It's not my favourite look on you." This one can actually have a few meanings. It can mean: " I really like those shoes/ those jeans/ that top, and they look good on you, but if you buy it/them, then I can't". The second possiblity? " I'm bloated, I feel a zit coming, I don't think I'm ever going to have sex again, and the fact that your boobs look so good right now is pissing me off".  Third option? "Moo". This one is a crap shoot. Decode wrong at your own peril.

"We'd love to come; let me just check with insert-husband's-name-here and find out if we can get a sitter." What she means: "I have a man who loves me, regular sex,  brilliant, happy child/ren, and you don't. I don't love those jeans on you. You'll die alone." Or, she could just mean she'd love to come, but her husband might have to work late and the teenager next-door is booked three weeks in advance. I might be overthinking this one.

"My opinion of him really isn't important. If you like him, and he makes you happy, that's all that matters." What she means: "He's a complete jackass, you could do so much better, I'm pretty sure he has a drug problem, and he has repeatedly tried to feel my ass. You'd be better off dying alone."

Your straight male friend says: " You think he's hot? Really?  He seems like a bit of a tool..." What he means: "He seems like a nice guy. And you clearly like him alot. Why don't you think I'm hot? You did in college. Man, we totally should have slept together".

Your gay male friend says "You think he's hot? Really? He seems like a bit of a tool..." What he means: "For the love of Neil Patrick Harris, are you blind? I'm 97% certain that he's gay, with a plus or minus error margin of 3 percent. The gays are bad at math, but that could mean he's 103% gay".

Naturally, I'm simply providing this as a public service; my friends have nothing to worry about. I love those jeans on all of you, I think he's fabulous, and you have never said or done anything to make a man change his mind. And I'll die alone.