You know you want it...

Wasn't feeling inspired this week. Post Christmas blahs? Maybe. Sugar crash? Probably. Then, like a gift sent by angels from heaven (slutty angels who are likely commando under their feathery wings), there it was. At the checkout. The February edition of Cosmo. And just like that, I was inspired.

Okay - it's back, baby! The magic number. 75. As in "Bad Girl Sex. 75 Very Naughty Moves to Try on a Man." Bring it. The usual assortment of role playing, public nudity and something involving a spatula. Although, one girl referred to her "inside knuckles". Do you suppose her hands are on backwards?  I had two  favourites: first, whip out an old Halloween costume and put it on. The costume in question was a (no doubt slutty) police outfit. Seems easy, fun, a bit silly. I have two old costumes in my house. The track-suited Sue Sylvester from "Glee", complete with hacked-up wig of questionable fiber content, and a giant purple crayon. You're getting hot just thinking about it, am I right? Pervs.

My second favourite tip was from a girl who suggested buying vibrating underwear that your boyfriend can operate via remote control, and wearing them to the movies. True, the warning at the beginning of the movie doesn't specifically mention turning off your lingerie, so they probably can't throw you out. But I can hear a cell phone vibrate 3 rows over, and  I have to assume there's some sort of buzzing sound associated with remote-controlled underwear. Do you really want to explain to the usher how that wasn't a text you were getting during "Yogi Bear in 3D?"  Hey, Boo Boo, indeed. And how does one launder those? My washer is a pretty swank, front-loading, energy-efficient number that practically makes me waffles, but I don't think it has a "Vibrating Panties" setting.

Russell Brand is this year's Fun Fearless Male. I think he's incredibly funny and, as a result, quite sexy. And he's smart; any man who refers to himself as " a simpleton of sexual semiotics" gets my attention. Plus, he says the worst pick-up line he's ever used was "Get in the van". That's just funny. Me likey.

"10 Romantic Moves That Guys Actually Dig." Always useful information. Except for one thing. The tips are courtesy of Brian Austin Green. 90210's David Silver. Who spent like 19 seasons trying to get into Donna Martin's pants. Are we entirely sure we want to take his advice?  Thought so. He does have one good tip, though. Loading the fridge with his favourite snacks and drinks is romantic. I have to agree. Any guy who either shows up with, or stocks up on, Popcorn Indiana Kettlecorn, a six-pack of Stella or a bottle of bubbles, and KitKats is pretty much gonna get french-kissed within an inch of his life. As soon as I have some kettlecorn.

What a guy really wants to do on Valentine's Day. Nothing. Word.

Oh dear. Page 85. The new ad for Katy Perry's celebrity perfume, Purr. Now, I like Katy Perry. I think she's cute as a button, she took on Russell Brand, and she's sweet in interviews. Except, um...



I know enough about marketing to know ads are supposed to make the consumer aspire to what they're seeing. So this'll really grab the would-be tranny jungle aerobics instructor hooker crowd by the disposable income.  And Katy, clearly cockstruck because of all the Russell Brand brand sex, agreed to this mess. My fear, of course, is that someone, meaning well, and knowing my love of both perfume and kitties, will think this is just the gift for me. Let me put it this way: I don't care if it's the best-smelling thing since Hugh Jackman's neck, if any guy walked into the master bathroom and saw this on the vanity, I would expect (nay, insist) that he leave immediately, never to return because of my shame.

"How to Make Him Better in Bed." They refer to the sexual style they call the "human jackhammer". Here's a tip. Don't love having sex that way? Stop sleeping with guys you meet at keggers. I think you'll find there's a very high concentration of jackhammer enthusiasts at your average frat party. Subtlety comes with age. Problem solved.

"The A-Cup Revolution" regrets to inform me that a University of Vienna study found that smaller breasts are more sensitive than larger ones. When contacted for comment, my ample bosom has this to say: "Fucking liars, the Viennese". Complicated dance moves as well.

In the article "25 Fun Things to Do With Your Guy", they suggest logging onto the site Pandora, picking your favourite group, then your boyfriend's favourite, and the site will mash the two styles together to come up with music that has attributes from both bands. This sounds cool, but can't possibly work all the time. What if I love The Pussy Cat Dolls and my boyfriend loves Rush? Wait - bad example. This would never happen. I could never date a Rush fan. But I am absolutely logging on later and trying it. If the site crashes, it was me. Trying to see what happens when a Pantera fan and a Belieber find true love.

I don't always do the Cosmo Quiz, but this one caught my eye. "Can He Read Your Sex Signals?" Most of the questions presume you have a boyfriend so, being single, I had to reflect on my previous relationships. And then once I got back from the therapist, I took the quiz. Oh dear. Turns out, and I'm quoting, 'there's no way in hell an average dude could [figure out my] super-vague signals. Out of a possible 10, I scored a 2. As someone who would like to date again, this is worrisome. Because if I suck at giving off signals to an actual boyfriend, how is some poor guy who barely knows me ever going to know I'm game? Balls. Maybe alcohol makes me a little more obvious. I'm going to do a few shots and take the quiz again. Granted, the quiz does give maximum points for trying to meet a guy by "adjusting" my shoe while sticking my bottom in the air, so perhaps I need a second opinion. Maybe Seventeen has a quiz this month...