You sexy thing

What do women find sexy...about other women? Hold your Sapphic horses, kids, I'm not talking girl on girl. Well, not really. But we notice other women, and we want them to notice us. I certainly do. I've already waxed libidinal about what I find sexy in a man, but I probably notice sexiness in a woman even more. Is it a female comparison thing? Maybe a little. But it's more an appreciation, an acknowledgement, a "well done, you". Sort of a Ya-Ya sisterhood thing, but without the blood oaths and the crazy mother.

I've mentioned this before, but there's a difference between "hot" and "sexy" in my world. Hot is in your face, but it's surface. It's the cover of a book you haven't read. Sexy is several chapters in, and you don't know what's going to happen, but you're really enjoying turning the pages. Kim Kardashian is undeniably hot, but sexy? I don't know. Certainly not from the interviews I've seen. That breathy little girl voice, the heavy sex kitten make-up? It's all just so...expected. And it all smacks of self-consciousness to me. You know who is sexy to me? Annette Bening. Did I feel the same way 15 years ago? The revisionist historian in me likes to think I did. But she may also have been wearing a floral-print hippie dress over jeans, so she clearly can't be trusted.

My girlfriends and I are in agreement on this - one of the first things women notice about another woman is her confidence. Not her hair, or her body, or her shoes (well, sometimes her shoes), but the way a woman carries herself. Do you get a strong sense of who she is? Does she seem comfortable in her skin? That's sexy. We all have days when our self-confidence just says fuck it and taps out, so if we see another woman rockin' a bit of swagger, we always take notice. Because we all have days when we want what she's having.

Many of the things I find sexy in men I also find sexy in women. Except for my well-documented love of forearms. That is a delightfully and distinctly male thing for me. Sigh. But a woman who is curious about and engaged in the world? A woman with an appreciation for profanity and a slightly dirty laugh? A woman who can deliver a good dirty joke with élan? I want to sit by her at dinner. And then do shots with her. I'm kind of uneasy around grown women who never swear. It's just so reserved. It freaks me out. I have a theory - these are the same women who use terms like "down there". I'm still a bit unclear where they mean, exactly. Is it Nicaragua?

A little mystery, please. Whether it's your life story or your neckline, no one needs to know everything right out of the gate. Sexy never presents itself on a silver platter with an apple in its mouth. Or in its cleavage. So ladies, put your tits away and save the story about how you lost your virginity for another time, okay?

I love quirkily stylish women. On my best days, I hope I dip my toes into that category. And if a woman I consider stylish, particularly a complete stranger, compliments me on something I'm wearing, it gives me a little frisson of excitement and makes my day. Making someone's day is sexy. Because boys, we wear the nice bras for you, but we wear the funky jewellery for her.

Notice what's missing? Anything tangibly physical. Sorry, gentlemen, but finding other women sexy doesn't mean we want to sleep with them. I don't even want to sleep with most of the men I find sexy. It should be noted I said "most". Don't get me wrong; I love boobs. Happen to own a pretty decent pair myself. But when it comes to other women, that's not what intrigues me. Do I appreciate a woman with nice legs, or pretty eyes, or great skin? Of course, because those things are beautiful. But when it comes to my fellow members of the fairer sex, I'll take substance over surface any day. When it comes to forearms, however, it's a completely different story.