The B List

I don't particularly love the term "bucket list". I didn't see the movie, although that was more about me being afraid I might see Jack Nicholson's ass than it was about the title. Even the idea of it sort of freaks me out, like committing your life wish list to paper tempts the fates to deny you what you most desire.  I'm like a human mini-egg; a crunchy pragmatic shell conceals my soft superstitious centre.

And yet...the act of thinking about what I really want to do in this life has appeal. The list probably shouldn't be filled with dreams that are completely unattainable, nor should there be too many things I could easily accomplish simply by asking for a higher Visa limit. Okay - fetch me a bucket.

1) I want to go on an archaelogical dig in Egypt. Given the political situation there right now, this could be tricky for the next few years. And given my complexion, I might burst into flames. But I've been transfixed by Egyptology since I was about 10 years old; I don't think the fascination is going away. I believe there are programs through universities that let you do this as sort of a "learning vacation" thing. I really hope so, since my actual archaelogical experience is pretty much limited to the time my mother thought the cat had eaten her earrings and was insistent I dig through the litterbox.

2) I want to go to Paris with someone I'm in love with. I've been by myself a few times, and I've been with friends, and I've done all the things one is supposed to do, except kiss someone I'm smitten with in the middle of the Pont Neuf. Sorry, creepy guy in the window of the hotel across the alley a few years ago; you most definitely are not in the running.

3) I would like to bottle feed a baby chimpanzee. I've been fascinated by chimps since I was a kid, thanks to Jane Goodall, and I'd love to hang out with a little one for an afternoon. My job has afforded me some cool opportunites to go behind the scenes with animal caretakers a few times, and I loved every second of it. FYI, baby penguins have total rock star hair.

4) I would like to take a white water rafting trip on the Colorado river. I'm a very weak swimmer, and deep water scares me. But I read a book last year that really made me want to do it. No one died, everyone had fun, and the dog survived. Granted, it was a novel, but they base those on actual events, right?

5) I'd love to be a backup singer on stage at a massive concert. This is probably as unattainable as it gets, given that a) I don't sing, and b) I don't think I can be sufficiently slutty enough to have a band/singer owe me a favour. But I shake a mean tabourine. They could kill my mic and teach me basic finger snap choreography. This would terrify me, but I think it would be such a rush.

6) I want to attend the Oscars. Not necessarily as a nominee, unless that romantic comedy / horror movie I've been meaning to write gets optioned. They green lit "The Dilemma" so it can't be that hard. I don't even have to be inside the Kodak; I think the red carpet experience would be enough.

7) I want to attend a traditional Hawaiian luau. Full on pig in a pit, poi, the whole mele kaliki-mess. If I'm going to do this, though, I totally need to do some situps before I put on a grass skirt.

8) I want to spend an evening in a very high-end restaurant kitchen to see what goes on. Some place like Thomas Keller's Per Se. I've read all of Michael Ruhlman's books, and the descriptions of the pressure during service read like a Tom Clancy novel. It'd also be great to observe a few tricks, since my knife skills could most diplomatically be described as "uneven". How do they get everything so evenly chopped? I just call everything "rustic" so that people to think it's on purpose.

9) I want to be a balloon wrangler for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.  Ideally, one of the old school balloons, not some character from some show I've never heard of before. I think Big Bird would be bad ass. Can Canadians do this? Or are balloon duties proprietarily American?

10) Speaking of balloons, I really want to take a hot air balloon ride over the Napa Valley while drinking a really good bottle of pinot or a nice sparkling.  I mean a proper hot air balloon, not Big Bird run amok. Perhaps right before convincing one of the Michelin-starred chefs in wine country to let me hang out. I'm pretty sure a windblown drunk is always welcome in high-end kitchens. Or maybe that's specific to Anthony Bourdain.

11) I'd like to take my Dad to a Leafs game. This doesn't sound that hard to accomplish, except my Dad hates to fly, and spending 24 hours in a car together would likely do us both in. I may have to drug him and just tell the flight attendants he's narcoleptic. I'll say this for my Dad - he's loyal to his team. Sometimes even he doesn't understand why. But that could be the narcolepsy.

That's it; that's what's on my bucket list. Sure, there are places I'd like to go, and things I'd like to see, but these are things I want to truly experience. Just so long as Jack Nicholson's ass has nothing to do with it.